2024-05-31 How to Get Good at Small Talk
Warm-up Questions
- What does the term “small talk” mean to you?
- What are some common topics or questions used to initiate small talk?
- Have you ever felt uncomfortable or awkward during small talk? If so, why?
- Why do you think some people find small talk challenging?
- In your opinion, what makes a small talk conversation successful or unsuccessful?
- What are some cultural differences you’ve noticed in how people approach small talk?
- How would you interpret the phrase “being interested, not interesting” in the context of small talk?
- Can you think of any strategies or techniques you’ve used to keep a small talk conversation going?
Video
* I added Japanese subtitles to the first half of this video. We’re not going to watch the entire video in class.
Video chapters
- 00:00 “Small talk” is a misnomer for such an important part of communication.
- 01:07 Establish appropriate goals.
- 01:52 Give yourself permission to pause.
- 03:35 What if you feel like you have nothing smart to say?
- 04:24 What if I make a mistake or say something dumb?
No subtitles: - 05:09 What if my problem is that I have too much to say?
- 06:04 What tools can I use if none of this is natural to me?
- 07:53 How do I get the conversation started?
- 09:00 How do I end the conversation (gracefully)?
Video Transcript
Video FAQ
What is small talk and why is it important?
Small talk is a form of casual conversation that helps people connect, bond, learn, and grow. It is essential for building relationships and creating a comfortable social environment.
Why do people find small talk challenging?
People often find small talk challenging because it requires spontaneity and can’t be scripted. There’s a perception that one must always be interesting and engaging, which can create anxiety.
How can changing your perspective on small talk make it more enjoyable?
Viewing small talk as a collaborative effort to keep the conversation going, rather than a competitive task, can make it more enjoyable and less stressful.
What goal should you have in a small talk situation?
The goal should be to be interested in the conversation rather than trying to be interesting. This helps reduce anxiety and makes the interaction more genuine.
How can you slow down and improve the quality of your responses during small talk?
Pausing before responding, paraphrasing what the other person said, and focusing on listening intently can help slow down your responses and improve their quality.
What is a simple phrase to keep a conversation going when you don’t know what to say?
Saying “tell me more” can effectively keep the conversation going and give you time to think of your next response.
How should you view mistakes made during spontaneous conversations?
Mistakes should be seen as missed takes, meaning there’s an opportunity to try again. Communication is about connection, not perfection.
Why is concision important in communication, and how can you achieve it?
Concision is important because it keeps the conversation clear and to the point. You can achieve it by using structures like “what, so what, now what” to organize your thoughts logically.
How can you initiate small talk effectively?
Initiating small talk with observations or questions related to the specific context or environment, rather than generic questions, can make the conversation more engaging.
What is a good strategy for exiting a small talk conversation?
Using the “white flag” approach, where you signal the end of the conversation with a final question or comment, can help gracefully conclude the interaction.
Small Talk Mistakes: What do you do if someone…
- talks too much about themselves
- asks too many rapid-fire questions
- answers questions too briefly
- isn’t making eye contact
- keeps checking their phone
- complains too much or is too negative
- keeps interrupting you
- speaks too quietly
- brings up controversial or deeply personal topics that make you unconfortable
- (think of another mistake)
Cultural differences in small talk between Japanese and people from North America or Europe
(I’m not going to use this in class, but it’s interesting.)
Formality
- Japan Conversations tend to be more formal, especially in initial interactions. Titles and honorifics are important.
- North America/Europe Conversations can be more casual, even with new acquaintances. First names are often used quickly.
Topics
- Japan Safe topics include the weather, seasonal changes, and general well-being. Personal questions are usually avoided early on.
- North America/Europe Small talk can include a wider range of topics like hobbies, recent activities, and even light personal questions.
Silence
- Japan Silence is more acceptable and can be a natural part of the conversation, indicating thoughtfulness or respect.
- North America/Europe Silence is often avoided and can be seen as awkward or uncomfortable.
Directness
- Japan Indirect communication is common. People often avoid saying “no” directly and use subtle hints to convey their message.
- North America/Europe More direct communication is generally accepted, and people are more likely to express their opinions openly.
Body Language
- Japan Body language is more restrained. Bowing is a common greeting, and physical contact like hugging or handshakes is less frequent.
- North America/Europe More expressive body language is common, and greetings often include handshakes or even hugs.
Personal Space
- Japan Personal space is highly valued, and people tend to maintain a greater physical distance during conversations.
- North America/Europe Personal space varies, but closer physical proximity is generally more accepted.
Pacing
- Japan Conversations can have a slower pace, with pauses that allow for reflection and thought.
- North America/Europe Conversations tend to be quicker, with rapid exchanges and less frequent pauses.
Compliments
- Japan Compliments are given sparingly and are often downplayed by the recipient to show humility.
- North America/Europe Compliments are more freely given and often accepted with a simple “thank you.”
Humor
- Japan Humor is used carefully and can be very context-dependent. Self-deprecating humor is common.
- North America/Europe Humor is used more liberally and can include a wide range of styles, including sarcasm and irony.
Group vs. Individual
- Japan Small talk often considers the group dynamic, with emphasis on harmony and avoiding topics that might cause discomfort.
- North America/Europe Individual perspectives are more commonly expressed, and diverse opinions are often encouraged.
How about explaining the site of class materials to us again? Strongly, maybe? I feel if we read through the materials or watch the video at least once and look up the meanings of words we’re not sure, we could use class time much more effectively. For example, about the group discussion of vocabularies, I think it was very interesting and useful, but it could have been even shorter. Then, we might have been able to have a deeper discussion about the small talk itself.
I might have overstepped my position, though…
Atsushi
I can’t require anyone do any work outside of class, so I have to assume there will always be people who will come to class unprepared, and I have to prepare lessons with that assumption.
The discussion of vocabulary ran longer that I wanted, but everyone seemed engaged in the activity so I didn’t stop it. It would have been fine for your group to proceed to the discussion questions while other continued to work on the vocabulary. In 20/20 hindsight, I should have thought of that.
Thank you for your reply. I could understand.
Nevertheless, I still think that we(the students) should be more aware of the existence and the value of the class materials, and that we(the students) should make better use of them.
I know that there are some English conversation classes that claim to focus on free conversation, but the classes often consist mainly of “small talk” (in the sense of Zatsudan) about what’s our(students’) new. He or She(the teacher) comes to the class almost unprepared, and if we(students) do not start talking, there sometimes comes a strange silence that could last for about a minute. I think we(the students) need to recognize how wonderful this class is compared to those “free talk focused” English conversation classes. Would you like to at least explain about the material site again? Of course, not saying like “Come to the class 100% prepared,” but just about the site and URL would be fine.